Oh hey I am back.

It has been 5 years since I come back here to write something. I look back to the goals that I wished to get are nearly completed. I am truly proud of myself. 

During the year 2018, I got involved in a same-sex relationship, I met this person while taking care of my mother in the hospital, that person was my friend's friend, and she really fell for me first. She did everything to get my attention so I decided to date her. The relationship only lasted for 1 year then she cheated on me with her colleague. I felt ashamed and angry, I went to her house to finish the business, of course, it was a rampage. After that, I didn't date anyone else until now.

I focused on work and family, and I made sure everyone in my family was well-fed. I sacrificed to take care of my parents and grandma so my sister could fly to live with her current husband, and now they both have a baby girl. However, my grandma passed away peacefully, and she didn't see her great grand-daughter. I might not have a loveable relationship with my grandma but deep down in my heart, I wished her well in heaven. I just wanted her to forget all of the past and traumas that she had been through, they were done as they should be. 

I take care of my parents and 11 cats very well, but I forget myself. I only push myself to work but don't know how to enjoy life. It is pretty sad. I want myself to be fitter and prettier than before, even though my friends always remind me how beautiful I am, but I don't feel so. 

Now I suddenly miss the guy I met back in 2012, the guy that I was so in love with. I don't know why all of the feelings are going back, and I don't like this. I know he doesn't think of me, he doesn't miss me like I always do to him. He moves on and forgets about me like someone he used to know back in the USA. My friends and sister support me to add his Instagram account to build the relationship again, but I am afraid that it will be like how it was before. I feel sad and disappointed. I don't like small talk and I don't want to be just friends. I don't want to become a creep stalking him. I don't want to be the initial one. 

Somewhere in my heart, I want him to be my love as I will be his. I know this is difficult and delusional so I keep this to myself. I want to talk to him but I also don't want to do anything with him anymore because it is pointless. 

I don't know what to do anymore, maybe focusing on work is easier than dealing this feeling.